I received an email last weekend which I will share with you now along with what was going to be my response but which turned into a post.
Hi Colleen, I’ve been going back over the archives and couldn’t find anything about the little notices you get at funeral homes. I have the one from when my mom died, but I also have several more I just don’t know what to do with. I notice that sometimes when I leave the funeral some people just leave them on the chair but I feel bad so I just take mine. I thought maybe you would have a good idea what to do with them. Right now I just throw them in the box with my yearbooks and other things my family can throw out when I’m gone. Any ideas would be great. Thanks.
My quick response to the emailer: My quick answer to this question is that you wouldn’t be asking if you really wanted to keep them so save the ones that really mean something to you (your mother’s for example) and recycle the rest. I sounds from your email that you are only keeping the others out of respect and obligation. Throwing away a piece of paper does not lessen your respect so don’t feel obliged to keep them.
I have found that my initial response to this question was becoming so long that I might as well make a post about it. Would you mind if I use your email in the body of this post?
Now for the post that resulted from this email
My advice to you is to only keep the ones you feel compelled to keep. By all means accept the ones offered on the occasion out of respect but feel free to dispose of them when you return home. Once someone is gone there is no forgetting they are gone and I am sure we don’t need reminding of that. If you do however feel compelled to keep all of these items I would suggest storing them as you would your photos, in an acid free environment. You could if you prefer scan the items and save them digitally. This takes up less physical space but can still be viewed if desired. I think though that if you find you are never unearthing these items to view but only stubble upon them periodically when adding to the collection you really need to ask yourself, how much do they really matter.
Last week I was asked, during a radio gig I did, what do I do with birthdays cards after the event. I said I leave them on display for that month (sometimes less) and then throw them in the recycling bin. I see no practical purpose in saving these things. Greeting cards are intended to show that someone cares for you once we are reminded of that do we really need to save them for future reference. I don’t think anyone is expecting you to save their cards year in year out. Think about when someone phones you on your birthday, they wish you a happy birthday, share that bit of time to show they care for you and then hang up, you can’t hold on the call forever but you can hold on to the memory. You can do the same with cards, enjoy them for what they are at the time and then let them go.
That being said I do save some birthday cards, usually only the ones my children give me that I feel are that bit special, due to the written personal sentiment. Though I must admit I rarely retrieve them from their hiding place and gaze upon them with loving eyes. To be quite honest I seem to have an unusally amazing memory for when my children say lovely things to or about me. I just keep the cards as proof just in case I have to use them as evidence against them ~ Just Kidding about that last bit!
I do much the same with Christmas cards, I leave them on display until the new year and then recycle them. I cut out the pictures on the front to use in producing my handmade cards for next year and put the remainder in the recycling bin. It is probably time I got to making this years cards as the holiday season will be here before we know it.
As usual with decluttering if you love all the greeting cards you receive and can’t bring yourself to part with any of them that is what is right for you. If however you have been keeping them out of obligation or tradition it really is OK not to. Try it with the next occasion, enjoy them for what they are at the time, a reminder that someone loves you, display them for a week or two and then let them go.
Today’s Declutter Item
The bag that is today’s clutter was used to carry home an item my mother-in-law kindly gave me some time back. I was please to receive a steam mop from her that she had received as a freebee when she bought a new vacuum cleaner. I have tiled floor and I thought it would be good for giving the grout a good once over every now and again. It proved to be pretty much ineffective so it went to the thrift store. The bag gto shuffled to the bottom of my daughters closet where I found it last week. I figured I would never remember to return it to my MIL so I sent it to the thrift store with a load of other stuff.
Hidden Clutter
Something I Am Grateful For Today
Every night that I hear my son’s motorbike roll up to the garage door after his late night work shifts I feel relieved and grateful that he is home safe and sound. I don’t mind that I am roused at 2:30 or 4:30 am I sleep more soundly in the knowledge that he is home.
As always, GREAT advice! I often buy greeting cards at the dollar store (2 for $1) rather than buying them at a normal store because I know they will just be pitched. I’ve kept a few cards, like ones my brother drew or ones with heartfelt messages from my husband. Otherwise, I’m with you–they’re dumped!
Hi Megyn,
good for you. Isn’t the price of greeting cards insane these days. That is one of the reasons I make my own. Thank heavens for the dollar store.
Also in this category is something I just found while moving — a whole box of those little RSVP cards from when I got married. They are just cards saying whether someone was coming or not coming to the wedding, sometimes including a little note, sometimes not. I’ll be taking one final look at those and then into the recycling bin. How they stayed it in my possession for 16 years is a mystery, except that they were in a box kept in an area I hardly ever looked at.
Hi Eve,
I have one of those boxes hidden away in a similar area that i have had one go through during my declutter process but it is awaiting my return for another go over.
My mom was a saver of things and when she died, there were several dresser drawers filled with letters and cards my sister had sent to her. I think she saved every single one! It was probably her way of keeping my sister close to her, since she lives overseas. Since my sister didn’t want them, they were tossed.
She also had a stack of “funeral”notices, obituaries, prayer cards, etc.
Not sure why we save all of them-better to save just the few that are most important to us and toss the rest.
(we are still cleaning up after the floods here-and getting ready to do some home projects, so I haven’t been on the computer as much lately but will join in when I can.)
Hi Amy in NY,
it’s nice to hear from you again. I hope the clean up is going well. Good luck with the home projects.
My mum and sad have a drawer full of photos just haphazardly scattered all over. If I don’t make a project of identifying those photos one day my mum and dad won’t be around to identify who is in them.
Colleen,
I have a huge Rubbermaid container filled with all sorts of photos from my parents haphazard collection and I don’t know who half of them are so they will get tossed. Or passed to a relative who is interested in genealogy and may know who some of them are. Honestly, some photos may be of their friends and acquaintances of the time and really aren’t important anymore since most of them have passed away. Also, I don’t feel compelled to keep every photo ever taken of my parents. I’ll keep my favorites, pass some to my children and the rest will go. If you get the chance, identify as many of your photos while your parents are still here.
Hi Amy in NY,
you make several good points here. Why keep hundreds of photos when you only need a selection to remind you of days gone by. And if someone else wants to know who these people are in the future it is a good idea to label them. Passing on photos to someone who may find them more useful or special is a very good idea.
I’m with you all the way!! I only ever keep birthday cards up untill i next dust (usually around 3-4 days). Christmas cards are usually taken down New years day. Each one of my children has a memory box, in which i put things i *think* they may want when they are older. It has school reports, important certificates, articles from when they were in the local newspapers etc. Last year i sorted them out and found the new baby cards in the box, as i read through them my son was asking ‘ Who’s Bob and Lil?’ and i was like ‘Erm… think they were my mums neighbours!?’ His reply was ‘Well what’s the point?’….Enough said!
The memory boxes are a lot slimmer now, they will be given to each child as they leave home, to do exactly what they please with, no obligations, no conditions!
Good advice as always Colleen, got to be honest i always leave the memorial cards on the chair. When my Husband’s father passed last year we kept (at his request) the memorial cards and the verses that were in the newspaper. My husband found them the other day and became very upset, so i’m not sure that keeping them was such a good idea.
Sharron x
Hi Sharron,
I do the same as you with my kids things. I think I will start bringing them out soon and showing them to the kids to see if there is stuff in there that they just don’t care about. I did weed it down a bit myself some time back but it is time for another go round. I have to admit we have about four memory boxes in this house still.
My children each have a trunk with mementos and school awards and such. I emailed them with a list of the contents to see what I could get rid of. I’d like to get this memorabilia into smaller, more manageable boxes. Since they don’t live close by, this is the only way I could think of to deal with this. I can always take photos of some of it if they aren’t sure of certain items.
Hi Amy in NY,
that sounds like a good idea to me.
Yes, this is how I manage the things I don’t scan, the things I do want to keep. I have a set space/place/container that I’ve decided everything must fit into. it keeps me with just the most important/dear items.
I use a small antique dresser that is itself a keepsake from my mother’s family. I only keep what will fit into it’s three small drawers, the rest is scanned/given/thrown. I go through it periodically to reevaluate.
This is a good one. I have learned to not keep most cards, funeral things, etc. I keep only the things that I think we might want and there are few of those. I tend to keep only cards that have sentiments I want to remember. I only keep those until I have time to either put them in a scrapbook or use them in some way. I keep handmade cards long enough to figure them out and make some like them. Then I get rid of those. I recycle everything so anything that can be recycled is put in the bins. If there is something I can use to make a new card or layout I will take those off and reuse them. We don’t need paper.
Hi Deb J,
that sounds like a sensible way to approach your greeting card clutter. I am glad I wrote this post yesterday because this morning I suddenly remembered that I had to send out two cards. Yay, another small dent in the backlog of cards I had stored away. I vowed this year that I would only use cards I already had if possible so that I could start next year with a nice fresh batch.
Funny you should say that. I am doing the same thing. I refuse to make any more cards until I have the half a dresser drawer full gone. Thankfully, most of them can be used for any occasion because I haven’t put the sentiments in them.
Hi Deb J,
I did have to make the men’s cards for this year because I didn’t have a backlog of those.
This can be a real paper quicksand! I do keep some cards (special people, messages); for the rest, I tear off the picture front and send them to kindergarten (children’s “art”) and recycle the rest. Except for special family members I leave the funeral service sheet at the service (don’t have to feel guilty getting rid of it then), for family members, it is filed in their page of my genealogy files. (I can’t or won’t thin those down!). The baby cards received were recently listed neatly at the back of my baby photo album, with a note of gifts given at the time, and the cards recycled as above.
Well done Ann,
I can understand you keeping the family memorabilia among your family free files. Genealogy is a whole other thing than just keeping stuff for the sake of it. That is history that can be shared with the entire family. Do you publish you family history information for the whole family to enjoy and have family reunions occasionally? My family does but the reunions always fall at a time when I can’t get there. Usually when we have just moved or are overseas or something else is happening and I just can’t get away. I need to get to one before the older folk are gone and I never get to meet them and I would love to see all my cousins, aunts and uncles again because even some fo those have passed away in the last ten years.
I “published” my mother’s family tree history (in folder form) for my mother’s 80th birthday and sent it to other branches of her family. Other than that, I have not got it into book form, although I have a large amount of research done on all four of my grandparents’ families, as well as some on my husband’s side. (I’d do more, but he is not interested, and I’ve done enough for our daughter to be able to follow up, if she decides she wants to. No reunions yet, although I hope to get one together for next November (My father’s father and his brothers arrived out from England to be farm cadets, and later, farmers).
Hi Ann,
I used to do a little delving into the family tree and discovered some really interesting stuff. I would call what I did research though as I was lucky to stumble across a number of people who had done all the hard work for me and were happy to share.
For those of us in the USA, I wanted to mention St. Jude’s Ranch, which is a home for abused, abandoned, and neglected children. They recycle your cards into new ones as a fund raiser. Go to their website for more information… I know there have been times they have not accepted cards because they had so many. I pass on my own cards to a ministry one of our churches is involved in; the ladies recycle the cards and sell the “new” ones. It helps me to let go of the cards much quicker because I know it’s helping someone to actually earn a living.
http://www.stjudesranch.org/help_card.php
Hi The Other Lynn,
thank you for that information.
The last time I checked, St Jude’s Ranch did not accept Hallmark,
American Greetings and Disney cards, there may be others that they don’t accept probably for copyright reasons. Just FYI, no point in wasting postage sending things they cannot use.
Hi Amy in NY,
thank you for that extra tip about St Jude’s Ranch.
Oh… I just bought TWO baby boy cards. I love pretty cards (not their price though!) for my friend who has had twins (there were no twins cards, and I couldn’t get one with boy singular). Then you all tell me you toss them and I see my $10 note fluttering away… Oh well, I get joy from having bought the cards and sharing my well wishes!!
I went through my journals lately, and cards with messages were kept. Grandad’s simple ‘dear sarah, love grandpa’ cards did not get kept. Over time, I may get rid of more and more, but there’s some lovely, kind sentiments, and looking at 8 years of cards makes me realise I have some GREAT friends, who send lovely things! It’ll be nice to read those next time I feel a bit lonely!
Hi Snosie,
most of the cards I send out are handmade by me but I wouldn’t expect anyone to keep them. Like you I get the joy of sending them (and making them) and the person at the other end has the joy of receiving them and that is enough for both of us I would think.
My mother kept every single christening, birthday and Christmas card I ever received, until I could start keeping them on my own! Until a couple of years ago I had three boxes full of cards. Today, I have a handful of cards (hand made by my children, ones my husband wrote something beautiful in and a few from my sister and parents). I don’t even *need* a box for them, but I’m looking for a pretty wooden keepsake box so they don’t get damaged. I’d always thought I was sentimental and a hoarder of cards, but turns out I’m not, I was just following what my mum did! I found it so freeing to let them go. In fact, I’m using some of the groovy 70s birthday cards to make my own cards for the kids and their friends. They love them.
hi Loretta,
there are a lot of things that get kept out of habit and tradition than because we actually want them. The trick is learning how to tell the difference.
Most of the cards I receive get cut up and turned into gift tags for later use. If someone just signs their name to a card with a preprinted sentiment, there’s not much use in keeping it.
However, I’m glad I saved the cards from my younger sister. She used to send me funny cards just to surprise me. She would write quite a bit in them. She passed away when she was thirty-one. I’m grateful to still have those cards. It makes me feed good to be able to re-read them.
Hi Anita,
I agree with you on this point. It is easy to identify the cards that have thoughtful messages as apposed to the ones the are bland and sent out of tradition. I know which ones I would keep.
One sentence in your reader’s email had been particularly interesting: “Right now I just throw them in the box with my yearbooks and other things my family can throw out when I’m gone.” I don’t mean to sound harsh, but to me this just reads as shifting responsibility to someone else, which leads me to ask the following questions: a) How would those family members know the kept memorabilia is actually free to be thrown away if it had been kept for so long? b) Is it fair to knowingly leave the task of sorting our stuff to the others? How would they feel knowing your reader expected them to deal with the stuff she wasn’t ready to deal with? c) Is there anything else your reader is leaving for others to deal with? d) Whose emotions are those your reader is afraid of hurting by throwing away paper clutter that – and this is the most significant bit for me – seems to generate more anxiety than happy memories about the people they are about? Why put those emotions before one’s own sense of calm?
The fact your reader is seeking advice is a clear sign those cards are just a burden and I do hope that **in her own time** and with gentle inspiration from here she’ll let go of them and get addicted to that sense of lightness and freedom.
Cards are fascinating topic on so many levels. I found cards in general very alien to me, my lifestyle and my upbringing, and to this day don’t fully relate to them. After boarding the decluttering train I even don’t want to. It may be very cultural too. I grew up at the south of Europe and we only ever used to send cards to those friends and family who live very far away. For everyone else and every other occasion it was always about personal contact. So, if it’s birthday or any religious holiday or mourning, you make every effort to see the person, hold their hand, hug them or talk to them. Sit down and spend some time together.
When I moved abroad I was introduced to the World of Cards and immediately found the whole thing very OTT. I think they’ve exceeded their practical aspect of reaching those who we otherwise can’t and have become one (more) heartless industry. One friend jokingly said that we had cards for everything, from Happy Birthday to Happy Sneezing. What I find ultimately strange and even bizarre is when family members hand each other Merry Christmas cards. Why would you give someone a piece of cardboard if you’ll be sitting right next to them at the next family gathering and can wish them all the joy and happiness in the more personal way is beyond me? Or what sense does it make that my work colleagues keep stacking up Christmas cards on my desk while it’s infinitely more personal – and in spirit of the occasion – to say it to me?
To take this type of consumerism to the whole new level, the supermarkets put large card recycling boxes near the entrance even before the Christmas Day, my local one place it about 5 meters away from the cards isle. They are stamped with “Forrest preservation programme” banners all over, I’m guessing the aim is to neutralise the sense of eco-guilt. So, in fact, the cards have made that short journey of a few steps from one holder to another, people have parted with their cash along the way and don’t even get me started on the cut down trees and cardboard emissions while transporting them back and forth.
I know many of your readers and you yourself are very passionate about creating your own cards, which is just about the only type of card I do like receiving because they carry that spirit of individuality and are actually about *time taken to slow down*. I make my own too and mostly for those people I won’t be seeing on the given occasion. But, I hold no grudges if they don’t keep it any longer than they find acceptable, if fact it’s the same as with the gifts: give them with the best intentions and then let them go.
When it comes to cards I am very, very close-fisted and make no apologies about that. Every year I pay money to charity and ask my friends to do the same instead of sending us Christmas cards. Most have respected that wish straight away, the others got the message over the years when we stopped sending them cards. And that’s fine. I don’t feel less loved just because I don’t have shelves overflowing with cards. I even don’t buy cards for children’s birthdays but either make them or leave a note on the gift so there is a trace who it’s from. But, knowing how I have to deal with stacks of cards on my son’s birthdays, when I see anything from 2,3,4 identical ones to those that have only been signed “From XYZ†and I know they had all cost a little fortune makes me really adamant to stick to my ways.
However, sometimes the cards contain messages we would find either too time-consuming or too emotional to say in person and those are also the ones I also have room for (either receiving or sending them). Everything else is just a recycling bin filler in my book.
You are right, we have cards for every real or imagined occasion. Just recently I saw on the news that there are now “sorry you lost your job” cards available here in the US. Would someone really be happy to receive such a card? Also there are the Merry Christmas from the dog, cat, etc cards which are really strange. I suppose they appeal to someone but really, do we need such cards?
Also your comment
b) Is it fair to knowingly leave the task of sorting our stuff to the others? How would they feel knowing your reader expected them to deal with the stuff she wasn’t ready to deal with? c) Is there anything else your reader is leaving for others to deal with?
As someone who recently had to clean out a person’s house after a death, I definitely agree that we shouldn’t be leaving this paper clutter for someone else to deal with later. After all, if you don’t do it, someone else has to. Why burden your loved ones with this?
I now look at everything in my house that could be considered “clutter” and ask myself if I want to leave this for my children to deal with after I’m gone? Do I really want them to go through things and ask themselves why on earth I saved “such and such?” From the leftover watercolor paints and the scrapbooking stuff I haven’t used, to the pile of recipes I thought I’d make, to the extra odds and ends that were purchased and never used-why burden someone else with this? If we don’t find time to do this, why are we assuming someone else will have the time to deal with stuff we should’ve dealt with?
Hi Ornela,
I have to admit that sentence did not go unnoticed by me and I probably should have address it myself at the time. My focus was more on the overall attraction people have to this kind of clutter and to give my reader some other alternatives. You bring up some very fine points in this comment that deserve asking and responding to. It is unfair to transfer ones inability to deal with clutter to someone else who will have their own reservations. I think these questions deserve a post of their own and I will get onto that right away.
I love what you have to say about only sending cards to those far away. I follow the same practice myself as I feel that is what they are for. Why does one need to offer a card when you are standing right in from of the recipient at which point a hug and a verbal message is more meaningful than anything. I agree with you to my very core that the greeting card companies have duped people into thinking that one has to buy a card for every occasion and have once again cleverly taken consumerism to a whole new level.
I really love making my own cards but ultimately they probably cause the same amount of deforestation and emissions as any other card because the cardboard base is made of the same product. As we mentioned before I only send them to the people who are important to me that live far away so my impact is minimal. I have also cut back on sending cards out of obligation to people who never send them to me. If they don’t care to send me one they probably don’t care to receive them from me so why bother. You and I seem to have very similar ideas on this subject as I aslo used to just put a small gift card on gifts to identify who they are from rather than going overboard by adding a large card on top of a gift on top of being there for there occasion. I now don’t give gifts either so problem solved. And yes I also agree cards are pretty much just recycle bin fillers or clutter.
Even before I started to declutter, every card went to the recycling bin after displaying them. Although I must admit, I kept the cards from when I graduated. Perhaps, when I’ll find those (*oops*), I’ll toss them out.
I can even remember that my mother has a obituarie (those little cards) of the previous pope, Johannes Paulus II. The priest was very excited and grateful that somebody came to him and ask one. I really love that memory.
(And honesty, I think that after my parents are gone, most stuff will probably end up in the thriftstore or at my sister’s. – Not that they will be dead soon, they are 50-ish, but I don’t have a lot of attachment to their stuff.)
Hi Nurchamiel,
I feel the same way about my parents stuff. My mother even gave me the opportunity to take what I wanted out of her china cabinet last time I was there but I graciously declined. I think if I do keep anything it will be one of her rings.
Obituaries, funeral cards, family newsletters, organization updates/awards, and a lot of other paper memorabilia can be scanned and saved. If you don’t want it, there are multiple places and people, offline and online who will.
If your parents pass away and you find a box of obituaries and other memorabilia you don’t want PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send them to the local genealogy/historical society. Or send them to people like me, who will gladly transcribe them for free and post them to online genealogy sites. Obituaries are little biographies that genealogists find to be very useful.
Hi Debbie V,
I understand the importance genealogists place on this sort of thing. Do you find though that there is the possibility of getting carried away with that as well?
Here’s my view.
Genealogy today is more of a social “open-source” hobby. There are so many places to connect online (and some in person). There are very few genealogists today who only work with paper sources. If we do find something (obit, certificates, photos, headstones, family bible, church records, etc) we immediately photograph, scan or transcribe for sharing online.
Hard copies are kept in libraries, government archives, churches, etc. Stack of books and reports are really not useful to the genealogy community until they can be digitized.
It’s the perfect hobby for the “minimalist” type person.
I’m not a fan of the greeting card. I do love getting one in the mail from a distant relative or friend, but I think it’s a bit silly when your face to face most of the time… when a big hug means so much more.
I have one card saved from my wedding, one from my graduation, one from each of my children’s birth showers and that’s it. A tiny momento of the event that meant the most to me. I keep them with the photos of the occassion so they are honoured in a logical place.
Christmas cards are a little different because I like to cut them up to integrate into decorating for the next year. Some are so pretty that they stay in the decorating bin for years.
Birthdays and anniversaries are displayed for the month (or until the next occassion bumps them, whichever is sooner) and then off to the recycling they go.
My MIL takes a great deal of time, care and expense picking the “perfect” card, so I tend to feel a bit guilty about tossing those… but not too much. LOL
Hi Creative Me,
that sounds like a very healthy atitude to greeting cards and stuff in general to me. Good for you!
Wanted to comment about family photos. Three of my sisters and I gathered to sort, purge and share family photos. Our parents passed nearly 13 years ago and one sister had lugged the photos through three moves. We enjoyed our afternoon together, selecting the photos we wanted to keep, sorted into piles for two missing siblings as well as other close family members. Threw away a lot of photos of “a squirrel”, “another squirrel” and “look, another squirrel”. My parents took a trip to Europe in the 80’s and we couldn’t identify any people in the photos, much less the countryside. I kept the photo of the Baskin Robbins from somewhere in the Netherlands, since I had worked at our local B-R in California.
I wish we would get together more often just to look at the photos. I enjoyed that day sorting photos, but it was long over due.
Hi Eileen,
welcome to 365 Less Things and thank you for sharing your photo sharing / decluttering story. That would be an ideal way to divvy up the treasured memories that pictures can bring. My parents are still with us but I know my mum has a drawer full of photos and I keep promising myself that I am going to go through it with them but my time there always seems to be too short. One day I might be sorry I didn’t find the time.
Check before chucking!!!!!
I love reading 365 Less Things and have found it wonderfully inspiring and have recommended it to many people. I love photos and I too am sorting through them. However, it was disappointing to discover that my children’s pre-school photos could not be found and I was at a loss to know where they were. Next to my front door is a box where I chuck things “to go”. In the pile were some empty photo albums that were no longer needed. This pile was ready to be dropped off at the charity shop and as I did a final “yes this can definitely go” check of what I was giving away and tossed things in the box, an album fell open and …. there were all the preschool photos with empty pages at the beginning and empty pages towards the end which is where I had checked. I did a little dance of joy at finding them. There must have been a reason why I left pages blank at the time of putting the photos in the album.
Hi Monica,
I am glad you discovered them before it was too late. And yes it always pays to check. I have recently sold a scrapbook tote on ebay that is yet to be collected and there is still some old school stuff of my son. Maybe I should get it out now before I forget.
I would normally agree with you 100% on the funeral card, but when my dad died, I found several of those from other relatives that had birth and death dates on them. I was able to put them in our genealogy and was very grateful. I also found one for a cousin that died when he was young and sent it to one of his siblings. The sibling was so grateful as he had no knowledge about the details of this brother who was killed in an accident when he was 8. I did throw away the cards after I got the information off of them, though, or sent them to the nearest relative who might appreciate them.
Absolutely Spendwisemom, I know lots of people who are tracing all branches of my family tree and I would certainly send information such as this off to them should I come across it.